Thursday, June 27, 2013
Patience and Timing
Sam and I started trying to have kids a long time ago-- while I was still finishing up school. It was exciting, and I kind of assumed that it would just happen right away. This was because we had both felt a confirmation that it was the next step for us. It was the right thing to do.
Months passed with nothing happening. No worries-- it can take up to a year for a healthy couple to conceive. When nine months hit, I couldn't help but think about how I would have had a baby already if it had just happened right away. At one point I had a cycle that lasted over 90 days (which was over three times longer than it "should" have been), but all urine tests were negative. Eventually I went to the doctor for a blood test, but a few days later the nurse let me know that it had been negative as well. What the heck was going on?
One of the hardest aspects of waiting was seeing other people seemingly easily get what I could have had already. People who had gotten married after we had started trying already had their babies- or were even pregnant with their second! I felt so guilty for feeling any sort of hurt or jealousy over the fortune of others. It's not like because they had a baby it was keeping me from having my own.
A year of trying came and went. I was so confused, because I knew that it was what we were supposed to be doing. My impatience was getting harder to fight. My patriarchal blessing makes it clear that I would have children in this life, but now I was wondering if that would need to be many years in the future when we could afford expensive infertility treatment or adoption. Doubts arose about if I was doing something wrong that was preventing this blessing from coming. Then I figured it was my fault that it wasn't happening because I was being so impatient, or for other weaknesses I have. Fortunately, while Sam was also concerned about what might be going on, he was so faithful that things would work out. He reminded me that the Lord doesn't expect us to be perfect as a precursor for blessings.
People started hinting (not very subtly) that they were "wondering where those babies were" and "what we were waiting for". Oh, how I wish I had an answer to that myself. Sometimes I felt like yelling, "you know what, we're doing our best, get off of my back!". Little did they know how much time I had spent crying, praying, and poring over books and articles. I don't blame them-- people are just curious-- but I was thinking about "where those babies were" enough myself without being reminded by other people.
I finally got in with my doctor to try to get to the bottom of what was going on. Long story short, it was because of something physically wrong with me, and he had me start some medication that was likely to help. If it didn't, we could try more extreme methods.
While in the midst of receiving treatment was when I first started mentioning to people the challenge having a baby was turning out to be. Mere days later, I finally got that positive pregnancy test! It felt like how when you're having computer troubles and you complain about it, the second somebody comes to take a look it starts working again. I swear it wasn't working a minute ago!
Because it took so dang long (in my impatient eyes) to get pregnant in the first place, I've been hyper paranoid about something going wrong. Every ultrasound makes me anxious, even though there is no real reason to worry at this point. It still doesn't feel completely real. I guess I'm just not completely convinced that there's actually going to be a baby around here, come December! Once it does hit, it will probably be like a ton of (happy) bricks!
While all of this was a struggle, the most important thing that I've been reminded of is that the Lord has a WAY better sense of timing than I do. I can make all of the plans I want, but He knows what is truly best for my family! Regardless of what other trials are to come, God knows what will make us the strongest we can be, and the best tools in His hands.
posted by lurel at 12:55 PM